If No One's Looking by Jennifer L. Jordan

Author:Jennifer L. Jordan [Jordan, Jennifer L.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781883523930
Amazon: 1883523931
Barnesnoble: 1883523931
Goodreads: 2930654
Publisher: Spinsters Ink
Published: 2008-09-01T03:00:00+00:00

Chapter 15

“I was raised by liars,” Tracey said, the first words she spoke when I joined her in the office. She looked gaunt and weary, and her mouth was set in a grim line. “They made me feel like everything I did was wrong. The only time I felt right was when I was high.”

I sat on the chair next to her and consciously avoided looking at the bare spots where her computer equipment had rested. “Your parents were liars?”

“I don't remember them. My mother got rid of me when I was ten months old. I'm referring to my money-hungry foster parents, my failed adoptive parents, my cover-your-ass counselors at group homes, practically every adult I met. They all lied, and meth was my only truth. It got rid of the feelings I never wanted to feel. It gave me such a rush. All I wanted to do was experience that again.”

“The rush?”

“The confidence. With meth, I was in charge. It helped me feel like I belonged. I still fantasize about it sometimes,” she said, staring at me fixedly. “I think about the crystal going into the pipe, changing from solid to liquid to gas. The inhale and the euphoria. The all-night highs. The week-long binges. Meth was my best friend. Meth erased everything bad.”

“That must have been appealing.”

Tracey smiled ruefully. “Until it made everything worse.”

“When did you start using?”

“On my nineteenth birthday. I'd done just about everything else before then—alcohol, pot, pain meds, coke.”

“Did you become addicted right away?”

“More or less.” She paused before adding, “Yes.”

“When did you stop?”

“Three years later. My maternal grandparents paid for me to go into rehab. I went along with their plan, but I was still acting the first week I was at the center. When I met Gwen, though, everything changed. She was my reason for quitting, something to stay clean for.”

“She was there getting treatment?”

Tracey nodded. “She came in a week after me, and we fell in love instantly, the first time we saw each other across a room. When we were still in treatment, we made a pact that wed never use meth again. We swore to each other that if one of us did, even once, wed break up. No second chances. If we went back to any old friends or hangouts or destructive patterns, we would lose the relationship. The threat was our motivation for getting and staying clean. We had to choose something that had a stronger hold than the drug. We chose each other.”

“It must have worked.”

She sighed deeply. “We've had five miraculous years together. I miss her.”

“Kayla?”

“Gwen. She believes Kayla's coming home. Any minute. She feels it in her heart, but I know my daughter's gone. I'm as certain of that as I've ever been of anything in my life, but I can't talk to Gwen. She won't listen. I've lost her, too.”

I reached over to touch Tracey's knee. “Not for good. This is a wretched time. No one could cope with what you two have been through, but you'll be close again.

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